The Talking Stove

The sequel!

1) Make Akimbo Go To It’s Room And Think About What It’s Done

Most games of multiplayer MW3 are blisteringly fast. The excitement therefore comes in the fraction of a second it takes for you to meet an enemy, level your gun before they do, and be the first make an accurate hit. It’s an almost inconceivably brief period of interaction, but there are so many instances of this during one game that it isn’t really a problem.

All akimbo loadouts successfully remove this. Instead, their user simply strolls around, looking in the vague direction of any foe and liquefying them with a wall of hipfire spray before they can even bring up their sights. This isn’t tense, fair or fun for the victim, and – having tried this tactic myself in a couple of games – doesn’t provide any real satisfaction for the culprit.

It seems to me like, just maybe, secondary weapons should be used as secondary weapons? Making akimbo guns far less accurate than their two-handed default equivalent – even with Steady Aim – would encourage slower but more rewarding playstyles, without sacrificing their role as close-range backup for snipers.

2) Seriously, Why Are Flares Still Automatic?

The general de-emphasis of offensive killstreaks in favour of team-friendly Support pointstreaks is a huge leap in the right direction, but mighty Osprey choppers and AC-130 gunships still act undeservedly unassailable. When the best players are given even more opportunities to remotely blow up the losing team, is it really so much to ask to have them take their finger off the trigger for one second to deploy their defensive flares manually?

3) Even The Odds: Give Out Free Unlocks

One of the reasons I abandoned Battlefield 3 was that I was sick of getting killed by people with objectively superior weapon attachments to what I’d unlocked so far. Thanks to smaller maps, higher damage and lower recoil, this isn’t so much of an issue in MW3 – someone with an ACOG scope doesn’t necessarily have an absolute advantage over iron sights peasants (as in BF3). Still, the new Proficiencies (perks for weapons rather than people – lower recoil, better bullet penetration etc.) don’t start unlocking until several levels in, and new ones appear only infrequently after that.

It would be great if freshly-unlocked weapons came with all the Proficiency options included. There are still incentives to level up in attachments and camos, but newer players start out on a slightly more level playing field – and are free to experiment with different setups before they settle into a complete loadout.

A.K.A. My PC Is Undergoing Repairs So I’m Busting Out Some Quick Blog Posts To Pass The Time, Episode 1

A.K.A. “Hey, You Can’t Just Review A Game After Only Playing Two And A Half Hours!” Fucking Watch Me, Episode 1

Generally, I’ve considered people who greatly enjoy the horror genre (in its many forms) to have something fundamentally wrong with them. Like, did you not evolve correctly, man? Humans aren’t meant to enjoy being scared! It’s scary! Toddlers don’t crawl across their bedrooms floors to gleefully yank their soothing nightlight from its socket, quietly muttering “Hee hee, this is gonna be sick”!

Nevertheless, I had to at least try Amnesia. There were two main justifications for this foray into the incredibly brown unknown: first was the marvellous Nightmare House 2, which boasted not just a compelling urgency (and a surprising amount of polish for a mod), but just enough glimpses of hope amongst the bleakness to make me doubt my own blanket dismissal of horror as a miserable, anti-fun category. Second was…well, it was a gift from my housemates. Two of them are on Steam. If I couldn’t even try to stomach it, they’d know. Plus, I’d be tossing aside a gift. Even history’s worst murderers, despots and dictators probably wouldn’t do that. Even if most of them had Steam accounts.

After consulting a wiki or two, I’d say I’m about a quarter to a third in, and finding things to love has been…difficult. It repeatedly uses a level design structure I’ve hated for years – a ‘hub’ area, with little to interact with except the door to the next area, which in turn can only be opened by venturing into four or five neighbouring doors to pull a distant lever or collect some mundane, inanimate object. Said objects can then be combined, with a series of highly tense and not at all tedious mouse clicks and turns, to create that particular area’s McGuffin Key. Guys, this isn’t puzzle solving, this is making pancakes on a larger scale.

Still, the atmosphere is undeniably top-notch, with musical cues playing a big part. There’s a gorgeous moment where you ascend a mouldy staircase into the relatively serene atrium above, while twinkling piano notes seem to echo off the lofty walls. Conversely, the brutal orchestral screeches that accompany an alerted mutant-servant manage to be far more unsettling than the terminally astigmatic, absurdly warped creatures themselves.

In terms of scares, the trippy screen blur that signifies a nasty bout of temporary (as in, lasting under a minute) insanity is more irritating than terrifying, but the potential is there. I’d happily never have to deal with the invisible water-dwelling demon that kills in two hits, can sprint like the wind and boasts the loudest, most maniacal audio theme in the game thus far again, but it’s clear Amnesia doesn’t have nearly enough concern for my mental well-being for that to be the case. So, yeah, Frictional Games, you can have this one.

I’m hoping that, once the story picks up and starts being about more than scribbles on paper scraps, the inane item-gathering will make way for some more meaningful exploration. Frankly, there’s still little fun to be had sobbing inside a cupboard, but it would be nice – if nothing else – to be proved wrong about the wider entertainment value of horror for the second time running.